Chronique:Canon Fauxder - Believe
BY GRIMBROTHER ONE - 4/1/2015
(WE'VE GOT) ISSUES
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Welcome back to Canon Fauxder, where all of your fiction dreams (or nightmares) come true. It’s obviously a busy time for Halo fans of all walks and interests, but especially for those who heed a canonical call. #HUNTtheTRUTH is in full swing, the Halo 5: Guardians release date is now out in the wild, and the new live action trailers have fans more excited than a wiki-writer reading Halo: Fifty Shades of Grey Team. Amidst all the excitement, I got together with 343 Franchise Development Director Frank O’Connor to pull some community questions and deliver the answers to you hot, fresh, and ready, like a Jimmy John’s 117. Let’s see what questions are on your mind.
Untruths & Retconciliation
What is the status of Blue Team?
GRIM: “Systematically erased."
What’s the size of the UNSC Cradle?
GRIM: The standardized dimensions of a UNSC cradle are approximately 38 x 22 x 33 inches in order to accommodate nearly every new recruit. Standard-issue UNSC cradles feature a robust, utilitarian – but attractive – design, with arched head and beveled footboards, and are equipped with a bunk pad featuring a non-toxic protective coating. Recommended for use with new recruits up to 20 lbs or until the newbie can roll from side to side or do push-ups on their own.
Is the original Plasma Rifle from the trilogy still in service or has it been replaced by the Storm Rifle?
GRIM: Yes.
What known species made up the Covenant Fringe?
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What is the current status of Serin Osman, Kilo-5, Team Katana, Team Dragonfruit, Team Homework, Team Red Team, Cyan Team, Khaki Team, Fireteam Crimson Tide, Lord Hoodie, Major Nelson, etc?
GRIM: All dead. Each one was killed in an inexplicable slipspace accident during OPERATION: OFFSCREEN.
How exactly did Hamish Beamish end up at Corbulo Academy?
FRANK: Upon finding that his Cryochamber had failed during an automated shuttle transit to Corbulo (there was no fear of Covenant interception in those days), Hamish had to stay warm by burning human hair, which he shaved off the other cadet candidates)and consuming their toenail clippings for protein. By the time he arrived at Corbulo, he was too old and emaciated to enroll as a “proper” cadet and instead found himself with the job of Janitor, and in fact one of only five human Janitors in the colonies, a job usually done by robots.
What is the current state of 'pop culture' in the UNSC (e.g Trends, Music, Video Games, Movies etc) and could you provide some examples?
FRANK: Everything is dubstep. Everything. Games, music, clothes, cars. Dubstep. And of course classical music, including great works by One Direction and the fat one out of 'N Sync.
Is there any particular reason for why Quadwings are so abundant on so many Forerunner installations?
FRANK: They are basically space pigeons, or flying rats. All they do is breed, poop and fly slowly around. Their only known skill is the ability to predict human marksmen and turn just exactly as you were about to shoot them.
Are there any previously unrevealed weapons in the Halo: The Master Chief Collection?
FRANK: Yes, the Halo 1 pistol is actually in Halo 2. There’s a huge crate of them in the Halo 2 Hang ‘Em High successor, Tombstone. It was an ubertroll. (This one is actually true. – Frankie)
Ain't No Sunshine, Banshee’s Gone
Psh… yeah right. If you are looking for brand new details on Halo 5: Guardians, you’ve come to the right place (wrong day perhaps, but hey, nobody’s perfect). In an effort to expand on the wide range of variation found within Covenant and Sangheili-based vehicle design, the narrative and design teams made the decision recently to have every vehicle in the game be a variant of the Banshee. So prepare to give your brain an impromptu lorebotomy and open your mind to the untapped potential of the Banshee Tank, Banshee Cruiser, Banshee ATV, Banshee Dropship, and Bipedal Banshee Mech. We’ve even replaced all thrusters and jetpacks with small Banshee Backpacks for short range flight. Best game ever? Best. Game. Ever.
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And with that, we bring this edition to a close. If you’re looking for a new SNAPSHOTS screencap assignment, we’d love for you to send us your best screenshots of the bottom of Chief’s boots. Either that, or Johnson’s cigar. Your choice. Be safe out there, fiction fans. Always #HUNTtheTRUTH.
Until next time…Live well, play Halo, and don’t believe everything you read on the internet.
-Grim
New universe entries!
- Prophet of Swag
Rising from humble beginnings as a lyrical scribe within the Ministry of Bling, San’Shyuum prodigy Craybae Can’Teven soon found himself elevated to the title Prophet of Swag. Free from the trappings of a far more basic political persuasion, the Prophet of Swag was able to leverage his station to build a vivacious and vocal following who hung on every wild-waddled word. Craybae underpinned his philosophies with ancient late-20th century manuscripts that he assumed were of Forerunner origin, which included such wisdom as “The rejected stone is now the cornerstone. Sort of like the Master Builder when I make my way home.” Craybae's lyrical anthology "Back for More" was considered an unrivaled artistic achievement amongst the creative elite.
- GC-36 Tornado Rifle
The skunkworks division of MODTECH Inc has recently tested a very peculiar special weapons platform designated the GC-36 Tornado Rifle. As its name suggests, the GC-36/TR harnesses localized convectional energies to create a directed meteorological vortex stream at a designated target, with potentially devastating environmental effects. Recent issues involving questionable bovine-based testing procedures however, have caused the concept division of MODTECH Inc to come under heavy scrutiny. Though they have recently filed an appeal to overturn their defense contract ban, no hearing has currently been set.
- X-ADS Materiel Turret
The X-ADS Materiel Turret is a maglev cannon that shoots basically anything you can push into it, projecting the chosen object much like a railgun. Whether it be a MAC round, Mongoose, teammate, or space crate, the X-ADS/MT will turn it into a ballistic ball of tide-turning terror.